I don’t care

Yes, I don’t care.

This entry would be about my rants on college life.

The story starts when yesterday, Miss B got into my room and had a ‘confrontation’ with Miss R.

It was about the same exact situation that I experienced because of Ms. L and dear Miss R, but I don’t feel anything towards them, not like what Miss B felt.

And for that, I was labeled as someone who doesn’t care about others and anything else except for herself or in short, as I interpreted it—a selfish. What the…? Straight to my face some more!

Well, there are a few reasons for that actually. Firstly, I don’t care about you guys because I don’t like your names. I know, it might sound silly, but I really cannot stand befriending people with certain names, and people who are short. If you differentiate people because of their races, you’re called racist, but I don’t know what you’d call people like me.

However, I must inform you guys here that I don’t make that decision there and then; this is after MANY experiences with people with that certain names, starting from primary school up to now. (Seriously, my hypothesis always works; they are either snobbish, rude or don’t care about other people’s feelings). And that’s why I always have a distance with these people. I don’t want to be hurt, again. I don’t even want to try, to be close with you guys.

Back to the confrontation story. So, according to Miss B, her feelings was hurt because of these two people, being their lovey-dovey self, looked at her, then looked at each other and then laugh. She thought they were laughing at her. Well, I’ve encountered this same thing many times before, and don’t feel a thing.

Then a sudden thought hits me. Am I that feelingless? Should I feel anything, if they act like that? I seriously, don’t care if they do that to me.

Plus, Miss B was like “I’m tired. I’m tired trying to fit in with you guys.” So, why bother? I don’t even talk to them, if they are together. If they are in my room, I don’t even try to initiate small talks with them. What for? (okay I sounded so selfish here T.T)

This brings me to a memory when I’m new to the college, particularly to M10J, “I’m actually a shy person. But, I can be VERY friendly when I’m close to someone. So, don’t be afraid to approach me first.” And that doesn’t bring any problems for them, to come, and initiate the communication, to befriend with me, and to come to this stage, where our bonds are stronger than ever, that I feel if I lose any of them, it’s like losing my parents, or any of my husbands. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.

So, I think the problem here is Miss B was being overly sensitive. And that, me and my R should stay like this, even if we are not close to each other like other Rs would do. (I think it’s better this way. Sorry abah, I don’t have the courage to confront her, like you told me to do, and like what Miss B had done).

On a side note, when Miss B did the confrontation with Miss R, I thought, okay, I’m not the only one having problem with this kid. My hypothesis works, yet again. T.T

I’m an introverted person, yet that can be changed.

To change that situation, you have to know me well enough.

To know me, you have to approach me first, cuz you and I, both know, I won’t.

I do have feelings too you know, even if I have this “I don’t give a damn” look.

I have a lot of jealousy, if you befriend others more than you do to me, then I’m gonna “mengundurkan diri” and let you be with that best friend of yours.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to befriend with you anymore, it’s just, I’m not gonna treat you like what I used to do.

Because I’m afraid to lose you. If you are to become closer with that friend, you might not want me anymore. So, it’s better if I leave you first, so that you won’t hurt me.

I’m a sensitive person. I do care. But I try to not care, because I don’t want to hurt myself. Because I know if I’m hurt, I don’t have anyone to turn to. Yes, I’m a loner.

I hate to end this post with a sad note. But, that’s the way it is. Okay, enough with the procrastinating. I got Biology to revise. What a weekend. It’s not even a slightest bit productive. =.=

Ya Allah, please give me strength to go through all this!

Till next time, annyeong!